The Desk Directory
Every desk in the building, listed in order of how loudly it types
This paper is organised into six desks. Each desk covers one beat, files on a fixed schedule, and answers to an editor who has signed a form promising to remain serious at all times. Choose a desk below and start reading. Nothing here requires a subscription, a login, or an explanation.
Nation
Domestic affairs, reported with total confidence and minimal verification. Our largest desk by headcount and by volume of sighing.
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Area Man Confident This Is The Year He Reads A Book
Nation Desk · Filed Standing Up
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Local HOA Declares War On A Shrub, Loses
Nation Desk · Ongoing Conflict
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Report: Nobody At The Meeting Knows Why The Meeting Is Happening
Nation Desk · Minutes Unavailable
Opinion
Strong positions held for up to forty-eight hours. Columnists are contractually required to be wrong about at least one thing per piece.
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I Was Told There Would Be A Point To All This
Opinion · Guest Columnist
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In Defense Of Leaving The Party Without Saying Goodbye
Opinion · Editorial Board
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Counterpoint: You Also Do Not Know How Taxes Work
Opinion · Rebuttal Desk
Internet
Field reports from the online. Our correspondents go where the discourse is so you can pretend you were never there.
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Man Wins Argument In Comment Section, Feels Nothing
Internet Desk · Thread Locked
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Group Chat Enters Fourth Day Of Deciding On A Restaurant
Internet Desk · Developing
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Study: ‘One More Video’ Not One More Video
Internet Desk · Peer Reviewed By A Cat
Sports of a Kind
Athletic and semi-athletic events, covered by a desk that has watched several sports and remembers most of the rules.
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Rec League Referee Issues Red Card To Own Reflection
Sports Desk · Match Abandoned
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Marathon Runner Admits He Is Only Doing This For The Banana
Sports Desk · Mile 19
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Chess Declared A Contact Sport After Incident At Regionals
Sports Desk · Board 4
Weather
Forecasts of the sky and of the general mood. Accuracy is not guaranteed but the confidence is absolute.
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Forecast: Weather To Continue Until Further Notice
Weather Desk · Window Consulted
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Local Cloud Described As ‘Basically A Dog’ By Everyone
Weather Desk · Consensus Reached
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Umbrella Sales Spike Among People Who Already Own Umbrellas
Weather Desk · Retail Wire
Corrections
Where this paper sets the record straight, slowly and without apology. Read by our lawyers first and our readers most.
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Correction: The Moon Is Not, As Reported, ‘Doing Fine’
Corrections Desk · Regretted
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An Earlier Edition Misidentified A Sandwich. We Stand By It.
Corrections Desk · Under Review
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Clarification: ‘Soon’ Meant Something Different To Each Editor
Corrections Desk · Semantics Bureau
Filing Schedule
The newsroom at deadline. Every desk pictured is either filing a story or convincingly pretending to.
| Desk | Publishes | Responsible editor | Status |
|---|---|---|---|
| Nation | Daily, before lunch | The Nation Editor, who insists the title is a coincidence | Filing |
| Opinion | Whenever provoked | A rotating chair nobody wants to sit in | Arguing |
| Internet | Constantly, regrettably | An editor who has been online since the incident | Refreshing |
| Sports of a Kind | Weekends, weather and morale permitting | A former athlete, in the sense of having owned cleats | Stretching |
| Weather | Dawn, or when the window is checked | The one editor with an office that has a window | Forecasting |
| Corrections | Immediately after each mistake, so, often | The most tired person in the building | Regretting |
Seen something funny a desk should cover? Send it through the letters page. Every tip is read aloud in a flat voice before being assigned.