Correspondence Is Accepted Through the Form Below, and Nowhere Else

The desk maintains no telephone, publishes no email address, and does not answer the door. This has kept morale extremely stable.

If you found something funny on the internet, wrote a strongly worded letter, or wish to demand a correction, put it in the form. Every submission is read aloud in a flat voice at the morning meeting, and the funniest ones make it into the paper.

Fill in your name, choose the nature of your correspondence, paste a link if you have one, and state your business. Then press the button once. Pressing it twice files it twice, and the archive clerk will notice.