The Permanent Record
Hall of Fame
The funniest headlines ever certified by this desk, preserved here in perpetuity. Entry is decided by committee. The committee does not explain itself.
Many
Headlines enshrined
All
Laughs certified
0
Retractions issued
1
Committee, unanimous
Featured Exhibits
Exhibit A. The bird declined all follow-up questions.
Local Pigeon Calls Press Conference, Says Nothing, Leaves
The find that set the standard. Reporters waited forty minutes. The pigeon looked at the microphones, adjusted nothing, and departed through a window it had apparently pre-selected.
Enshrined by unanimous vote · City Desk
Exhibit B. The plant remains employed at press time.
Office Plant Promoted to Manager After Outlasting Entire Department
A study in patience. Colleagues describe the fern as quiet, dependable, and impossible to schedule a meeting with. Upper management called the promotion long overdue.
Enshrined by acclamation · Business Desk
The Canon
Every headline below has been reviewed, certified funny, and filed by year of enshrinement. Once a headline enters the Canon, it cannot leave. We checked.
Class of 2025
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Man Who Said He’d Be There in Five Minutes Enters Third Hour of Journey
Transit Desk · Certified funny
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Area Dog Achieves Lifelong Dream of Sitting in Different Chair
Home & Garden · Certified funny
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Group Chat Reaches Verdict on Restaurant After Only Nine Days of Deliberation
Food Desk · Certified funny
Class of 2024
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Nation’s Printers Announce They Will Work When They Feel Like It
Technology Desk · Certified funny
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Toddler Delivers Forty-Minute Keynote on Why the Blue Cup Is Wrong
Family Desk · Certified funny
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Local Gym Membership Enters Fourth Consecutive Year of Theoretical Use
Health Desk · Certified funny
The Founding Class
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Cat Knocks Glass Off Table, Cites No Reason, Faces No Consequences
Crime Desk · The first headline enshrined
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Weather Forecast Apologizes for Being a Forecast
Weather Desk · Certified funny
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Man Opens Fridge for Fourth Time Hoping Situation Has Changed
Domestic Affairs · Certified funny
Correction
An earlier version of this archive listed a headline that was merely amusing. It has been quietly moved to the regular sections, where it is doing fine.
These headlines were funny when filed, are funny now, and will remain funny under any future administration.
The Enshrinement Committee, minutes on file
New inductions are announced whenever the committee agrees, which is rarely. Check the front page daily so you are present when it happens.